How to Ride a Chocobo
by Laer Aerlinn
Summary: The FFIX gang take chocobo riding lessons, but will they actually learn how to ride?
1. Lesson I

Author's Notes: Thanks to Chaos Winged Mage for the idea.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Final Fantasy IX! Squaresoft does.

How to Ride a Chocobo

Lesson I – So, how _do_ you ride a chocobo?

Emerald: Welcome to Embi Ranch. I'll be your instructor for today's lesson. My name is Emerald.

Zidane: My name is Zidane. How about you and me go on an air-

Dagger: * glares at Zidane * Ahem?

Zidane: * sees Dagger's expression * Never mind.

Emerald: I hope all of you will have a good time today. You can select your chocobo from the stables over there.

* stables *

Vivi: Wow, there sure are a lot of chocobo here.

Quina: Me wonder if they edible?

Vivi: * sweatdrop *

Eiko: You don't _eat_ chocobo, Quina. You _ride_ them.

Quina: You ever tried to eat?

Eiko: N-no. …And I never want to either!

Quina: Your loss.

* frog hops infront of Quina *

Quina: * looks at frog * Hello little froggy… * jumps on top of it * Me got you now! * sniffs air * Me smell more froggies nearby! * runs out of stables in search of more frogs * 

Eiko: * sniffs air * Ew! All I smell is chocobo poop!

Vivi: …

Zidane: Let's just choose our chocobo.

Amarant: …Why am _I _here?

Zidane: Don't you remember? You practically _begged_ me to let you come.

Amarant: Whatever…

Freya: * walks up to a chocobo's pen * I shall choose this one. It reminds me of Sir Frately. * chocobo has a rat-like face *

Zidane: I'm not even gonna ask…

Dagger: I think this is the one for me. * walks up to a chocobo wearing a gold tiara *

Amarant: I wonder why…?

Vivi: M-maybe I should take this one. * walks up to a small chocobo that seems overly energetic * 

Steiner: Are you sure about that Master Vivi?

Vivi: * looks at chocobo * Y-yeah. I think all this chocobo needs is a friend.

Steiner: Well, if you're sure… * looks around and spots a chocobo wearing a rusty knight's helmet * Why, that chocobo has impeccable taste in armor. It's the one I shall choose to ride.

Eiko: …Weird. Hmm, which to ride? Which to ride? * looks around at the chocobo * Oh! That one's perfect! * points to a chocobo wearing a big, yellow bow, much like her own *

Amarant: …

Zidane: * smiles * …

Amarant: …

Zidane: * smiling * …

Amarant: … What're you smiling at?

Zidane: Ha! You lose! _You_ actually broke the silence!

Amarant: Whatever… I'm riding this one. * walks over to a flaming red chocobo *

Zidane: Okay. I'll ride this one then. * walks over to a chocobo with extremely long eyelashes * It reminds me of a girl I used to know.

Everyone else: * sweatdrop *

Dagger: L-let's just get our lessons started.

Zidane: Good idea. We're paying by the hour.

* lesson area *

Emerald: All right, I see everyone is on his or her chocobo. Interesting choices… The first thing a rookie chocobo rider needs to learn is how to take a fall…

Vivi's Energetic Chocobo: * jumps around excitedly and Vivi falls off *

Vivi: * on ground * … I think I've already learned that.

Emerald: * sweatdrop * Now the rest of you try it.

Zidane: * falls off * Ouch!

Dagger: * falls off * Ow!

Steiner: * falls off * Ahh!

Freya: * falls off * Oh!

Eiko: * falls off * Uh!

Amarant: …

Emerald: Mr. Amarant, wouldn't you like to try?

Amarant: …No.

Emerald: …?

Zidane: * on ground * Don't mind him. He's always like that.

Amarant's Flaming Red Chocobo: Kweh!!! * throws Amarant off *

Amarant: * on ground * …

Emerald: Now you may get back on your chocobo.

* Zidane, Dagger, Steiner, Freya, Eiko, and Amarant get on their chocobo without any problem *

Vivi's Energetic Chocobo: Kweh-kweh! * jumps around *

Vivi: Uh, I can't get on my chocobo. I think it would rather dance.

Emerald: * sweatdrop * Well, just wait. I'm sure she'll calm down, eventually.

Vivi's Energetic Chocobo: Kweh-kweh! * jumps around even more *

Vivi: …She doesn't seem to be calming down…

Emerald: Then give her some of these gyshal pickles. They're sort of like drugs for chocobo. Here. * hands Vivi gyshal pickles *

Vivi: A-are you sure?

Emerald: Yes.

Vivi: Alright. * gives chocobo two gyshal pickles * 

Vivi's Energetic Chocobo: * eyes are half-closed, but it calmed down *

Vivi: Wow! * gets on *

Emerald: After you master the fall you must learn a chocobo's likes and dislikes. A chocobo _likes _gyshal greens and _dislikes_ oglops.

Zidane: Kinda like you, eh Rusty?

Steiner: Humph.

Emerald: Now repeat after me, "a chocobo _likes_ gyshal greens and_ dislikes_ oglops".

All but Amarant: A chocobo _likes _gyshal greens and _dislikes_ oglops.

Emerald: Mr. Amarant?

Amarant: …What?

Emerald: Please say "a chocobo_ likes_ gyshal greens and _dislikes_ oglops".

Amarant: Do I have to…?

Emerald: Yes. And the sooner you say it, the sooner you can leave.

Amarant: …A chocobo _likes_ gyshal greens… and _dislikes… _oglops…

Emerald: Very good. The third and final thing to learn is how to understand and communicate with your chocobo. 

Eiko: I'll probably be a natural at this. I communicate with eidolons all the time.

Zidane: What's that got to do with a chocobo?

Eiko: …Nothing. I just thought it sounded smart…

Zidane: * sweatdrop *

Emerald: We will now learn some simple chocobo phrases.

"Kweh" means "hello/goodbye".

"Kweh!" means "what time is it?"

"Kweh-kweh?" means "is that my mother?"

"KWEH!" means "I hope you know my favorite color is red!"

You may purchase a chocobo translation dictionary from the souvenir shop. Our lesson for today is over, so now you may practice riding your chocobo. * walks away *

Dagger: Did anyone else notice we never actually _learned_ how to ride a chocobo properly? We only learned how to fall, what a chocobo likes and dislikes, and chocobo phrases. 

Zidane: That's because it's a scam to make us keep coming back for more lessons until they actually teach us how to ride a chocobo. And that could be awhile.

Dagger: Oh…

Eiko: I'm gonna go buy one of those dictionaries. * gets off chocobo * Coming Vivi?

Vivi: * gets off chocobo, which is standing perfectly still (must be the drugs ^-^ ) * S-sure.

* Eiko and Vivi walk towards souvenir shop *

Amarant: I'm leaving…

Freya: Why doesn't that surprise me? You'll never change, will you?

Amarant: … * begins to walk away *

Freya: Oh, I get it. You're afraid of chocobo, aren't you?

Amarant: * turns around * I fear nothing.

Freya: Whatever…

Amarant: …Hey, that's _my _line! I don't have many, so quit stealing them!

Freya: …

Amarant: * scowls and walks away *

* * *

* frog-catching pond *

Quina: Me no know they have froggy pond. Is better than chocobo. I… so happy.

* frogs hop around *

* * *

* lesson area *

Steiner: A chocobo _likes_ gyshal greens and_ dislikes_ oglops. A chocobo _likes _gyshal greens and _dislikes_ oglops. A chocobo _likes_ gyshal greens and _dislikes_ oglops. A choc-

Zidane: Rusty, you can stop saying that now.

Steiner: But if I do, I'll forget it. Ahem. A chocobo _likes_ oglops and _dislikes_ gyshal greens. ? Wait that's not it. A chocobo _likes_ gyshal pickles and _dislikes_ eidolons? No, that's not it either. A chocobo…

Zidane and Dagger: * sweatdrop *

* * *

* souvenir shop *

Vivi: Wow, look at all this chocobo stuff!

Eiko: This is so cute! * hugs a chocobo plush *

Vivi: Keychains, toothbrushes, pillows, trading cards, t-shirts, underwear, hats, postcards, buttons, stickers, all with chocobo on them!

Eiko: This is what I want. * holds up a pocket chocobo *

Vivi: W-what is it?

Eiko: It's an electronic chocobo that you feed and play with. It even smells like a real chocobo!

Vivi: Wow! What will they think of next? But w-weren't we here for something else?

Eiko: Hmm, yeah I think so, but what was it?

Four-Armed Man: * approaches Vivi and Eiko * Can I help you little brats-I mean, little kids?

Eiko: * looks at Four-Armed Man * Why do you have four arms? Was it an accident? Or were you born that way?

Vivi: Eiko!?

Eiko: What? I'm just asking. So, are you a mutant or what?

Four-Armed Man: None of your damn business!

Eiko: Potty mouth. Hey, how much is this plush chocobo?

Four-Armed Man: Uh, (I need to make some serious cash!) 20 000 Gil!

Eiko: * throws chocobo back on the shelf as if it were made of poison * I-is this electronic chocobo _any_ cheaper? 

Four-Armed Man: Yes, it's only 19 999 Gil, plus tax.

Eiko: * sweatdrop * D-do you have anything for less than 200 Gil?

Four-Armed Man: Uh, * looks around the store* (I've gotta sell _something_!) How about this chocobo translation dictionary?

Vivi: I-isn't that what we came here for in the first place, Eiko?

Eiko: You're right. * looks at Four-Armed Man * I'll take it!

Four-Armed Man: Great! (Heh heh heh. That "dictionary" is useless! Everything in it is made up!)

* * *

* lesson area *

Steiner: Was it a chocobo likes moogles and dislikes seaweed pasta? No, no that's not it. A chocobo likes frogs and dislikes toads? No. A chocobo likes owls and dislikes heights? No. …I've got it! A chocobo likes gyshal greens… and dislikes ogres!

Zidane and Dagger: * sweatdrop *

* What did you think? Review! *


	2. Lesson II

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy IX belongs to Squaresoft, not me XP

Author's Note: Well, here's the second chapter that a lot of you seemed to be waiting for. I just started replaying FFIX a few days ago and it reminded me why I love that game so much XD Thanks for all your comments and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

How to Ride a Chocobo

Lesson II – The Scam Continues

****

Emerald: Welcome back to Embi Ranch. Once you've chosen your chocobo from the stables we'll begin our second lesson. But first I'd like to introduce a new student, Miss Beatrix. 

****

Beatrix: (steps forward and waves)

(Beatrix, Dagger, Vivi, Eiko, Quina, Freya, and Amarant head toward stables.)

****

Steiner: B-be-be-be…

****

Zidane: Come on, Rusty. I'm sure she won't be impressed with your amazing stuttering ability. 

****

Steiner: (glares at Zidane) (falls to knees)

You're right! You have to help me! I need advice to impress my Stella!

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Zidane: Stella?

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Steiner: It's a new nickname I came up with… Please, will you help me?

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Zidane: Uh… Sure, why not?

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Steiner: Oh, thank you. You have my eternal gratitude!

****

Zidane: Great…

* * *

[stables]

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Freya: (to Amarant) I thought you weren't coming back for lessons.

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Amarant: … … I lied.

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Freya: Right.

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Eiko: (sniffs air) Ew! It still smells like chocobo poop! How often do they clean this place?

****

Vivi: A-actually once a year.

(everyone stares)

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Vivi: I-I read it on a sign!

****

Quina: You think this smell terrible? I think I in heaven!

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Eiko: Gross! I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

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Quina: Me leaving. Frog pond smell much better. (runs, or running for Quina ^^, out of stables.)

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Eiko: (mutters) I feel sorry for the frogs.

* * *

[everyone is looking at the chocobo]

****

Zidane: Now's your chance, Rusty. Go talk to Beatrix.

****

Steiner: A-about what?

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Zidane: (pushes Steiner toward Beatrix) Anything!

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Steiner: H-hello Beatrix.

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Beatrix: Oh, hello Steiner.

****

Steiner: D-did you know an oglop can live for several weeks without its head. O-or that Catoblepas dung is used in over one hundred Alexandrian delicacies, including seaweed pasta?

****

Beatrix: (turns green and runs out of stables)

****

Steiner: Wait! I haven't told you about Malboro tentacles yet!

****

Zidane: (sighs) Maybe "anything" wasn't such a good idea.

* * *

****

Vivi: (reads sign posted by chocobo pen)

"Please do not feed the chocobo. A recent incident has left a former student with one less finger and us with one more lawsuit – Embi Ranch Staff" I didn't think chocobo were violent. M-maybe taking lessons isn't such a good idea. I kinda like my fingers where they are…

* * *

****

Dagger: I wonder what we'll be learning today. Something useful I hope.

****

Zidane: I wouldn't count on it. This is the only chocobo riding school in Gaia. They're gonna keep making us come back for lessons until we stop coming.

****

Dagger: ???

****

Zidane: People these days will do anything for a quick Gil…

* * *

[lesson area]

****

Emerald: I see you all have a chocobo. Great! Today you will be learning how to dance like a chocobo.

****

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

****

Emerald: Chocobo, line up! (blows whistle)

(chocobo rush forward and line up facing the group.)

****

Emerald: (blows whistle twice)

(chocobo start "dancing")

****

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

****

Emerald: (blows whistle, chocobo stop dancing and line up again) Okay, now it's your turn.

****

Vivi: H-how are we supposed to do that?

****

Eiko: Forget how. WHY?

****

Emerald: Dancing like a chocobo helps you understand a chocobo.

****

Eiko: That's supposed to convince us?

****

Emerald: Yes.

****

Eiko: (sighs)

****

Zidane: Come on, it's easy!

(does something resembling the chicken dance)

****

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

****

Vivi: Well… I-I'll try.

(does something resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

****

Dagger: Okay…

(does something resembling Vivi's resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

****

Eiko: Fine.

(does something resembling Dagger's resembling Vivi's resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

****

Beatrix: Alright.

(does something resembling Eiko's resembling Dagger's resembling Vivi's resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

****

Steiner: R-right! (I'll show Beatrix what I can do!)

(does something resembling a Gigan Octopus out of water)

****

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

****

Freya: Moving on…

(does something resembling Beatrix's resembling Eiko's resembling Dagger's resembling Vivi's resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

****

Amarant: …

****

Emerald: Mr. Amarant, wouldn't you like to try?

****

Amarant: … No.

****

Emerald: Why not?

****

Amarant: … … Making a fool of myself isn't high on my list of priorities right now.

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Emerald: … N-now that you have mastered the dance, you must learn how to sing like a chocobo.

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Dagger: (whispers) Chocobo sing?

****

Vivi: H-how are we supposed to do that?

****

Eiko: Forget how. WHY?

****

Emerald: Singing like a chocobo helps you understand a chocobo.

****

Eiko: That's supposed to convince us?

****

Emerald: Yes.

****

Eiko: (sighs)

****

Freya: …This conversation seems familiar…

****

Zidane: (whispers) Go on, Rusty. Show Beatrix you can sing.

****

Steiner: Y-yes. Ahem. (takes a deep breath) Kweh! Kweh! Kweh! Kweeeehhhhh! KWEEEHHH!!!

****

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

****

Zidane: (sighs) Maybe "singing wasn't such a good idea.

****

Emerald: I think we better move on before everyone goes temporarily deaf.

****

Vivi: I-it's too late for that. I think Eiko already has…

****

Amarant: …That would be a relief. She's an annoying little brat.

****

Eiko: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING! ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? WELL— Oh, I can hear again. (giggles)

****

Emerald: The last thing you will learn today is how to fall off of a speeding chocobo. 

****

Vivi: I-isn't that dangerous?

****

Emerald: Not at all. Now everyone get on your chocobo.

(everyone gets on chocobo)

****

Zidane: Rusty, if Beatrix falls off her chocobo before you, which I doubt, help her up.

****

Steiner: Y-yes! That is what a true knight would do!

****

Emerald: Ready? Here we go!

(gyshal greens attached to poles are dangled in front of each chocobo)

****

Chocobo: KWEH!!! (rush forward)

****

Everyone: Ahhhh!!

* * *

****

Steiner: (gums flapping) Must stay on. Beatrix must fall first. Prove I good knight. Can't hold on. (falls off chocobo)

****

Zidane: [There goes Rusty. His chances with Beatrix are slim now. Good thing I'm not gonna make a fool of myself. Huh?]

(gyshal green falls off pole and chocobo screeches to a halt)

****

Zidane: Whoa! (flys off chocobo)

* * *

****

Eiko: [This is easy! Who could ever fall off a chocobo going this fast?]

(Eiko's chocobo is sleeping)

****

Eiko: What? (notices chocobo is asleep) Wake UP!

****

Eiko's Chocobo: Kweh? KWEH!! (dashes forward)

****

Eiko: Ahh! (falls off chocobo) Spoke too soon…

* * *

****

Vivi: [This is dangerous! I'll just close my eyes and hope for the best. Oh!] (falls off chocobo)

* * *

****

Dagger: [We haven't learned anything useful! I'm going to complain to the sta-] (falls off chocobo)

* * *

(Freya and Amarant are riding comfortably side-by-side on speeding chocobo)

****

Freya: Wanna race?

****

Amarant: … You know it.

(Freya and Amarant urge their chocobo to go faster)

(chocobo are running as hard as they can and… fall into an unexpected pothole)

****

Freya and **Amarant**: … …

* * *

****

Beatrix: (looks behind her) [Everyone has fallen off already. Well, I was always one to follow the crowd.] (falls off chocobo)

* * *

****

Emerald: (walks between twitching bodies) Wonderful! You have learned the proper way to fall off a speeding chocobo! Today's lesson is over and our souvenir shop is stocked with the latest in chocobo products. (walks away)

****

Eiko: (gets up off the ground and dusts herself off) I'm going to the gift shop. Coming Vivi?

****

Vivi: O-okay. 

(Eiko and Vivi head to the souvenir shop)

****

Dagger: I can't believe we haven't learned even learned how to _ride _a chocobo yet! Isn't that what this school is supposed to teach us?

****

Zidane: It's a _scam_, remember?

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Dagger: Then why did we come back?

****

Zidane: … … …

****

Dagger: (sighs)

* * *

****

Steiner: [I am positive I haven't won Stella's heart yet… But I must persevere! I am the Captain of the Knights of Pluto! I don't need that monkey's help. I'm sweet. I'm charming. I'm intelligent. I'm loveable. I'm caring. I'm—]

* * *

****

Beatrix: [Steiner seems to be acting strangely. I better talk to him about eating all those gyshal pickles. And now he's staring at that wall. It _must_ be the gyshal pickles.]

* * *

****

Amarant: …Why did I come back?

****

Freya: I do recall it was because you "lied."

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Amarant: … … Oh, yeah.

* * *

[frog pond]

(frogs jumping and croaking)

****

Quina: No froggies! Why you die! It smell like wonderful gyshal pickle farm! 

(frogs continue to croak)

* * *

[souvenir shop]

****

Eiko: (rushes over to a rack of t-shirts) Wow! Look at these shirts! They're so cool!

****

Vivi: (reads t-shirt) "I survived Embi Ranch." I wonder why they have so many of these?

****

Eiko: Oh! (rushes over to stack of books) Look at this one! 

****

Vivi: (reads title) "Choco Goes to School." 

****

Eiko: I have to buy it! To complete my "Choco" series collection!

****

Vivi: Umm, "Choco" series?

****

Eiko: (nods) Yeah. I have "Choco Goes to a Party," "Choco Goes to the Beach," "Choco Goes to the Circus," "Where's Choco?" and, my personal favorite, "Choco Gets Smashed."

****

Vivi: D-did you say "smashed?"

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Eiko: Yup. 

****

Vivi: O-oh…

****

Four-Armed Man: [It's that brat and that mage again. I better not let them see me in case they caught on to that dictionary scam.] (pulls chocobo mask off shelf and puts it on) (voice is muffled) Can I help you little brats—I mean little kids?

****

Eiko: (This guy seems familiar. Pale. Red hair. Four arms. …Nope, never seem him before.]

****

Vivi: E-eiko?

****

Eiko: Oh! I'd like to buy this book!

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Four-Armed Man: That will be 15 000 Gil!

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Eiko: 15 000 GIL! ARE YOU CRAZY!?

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Four-Armed Man: Alright, I'll give you the discount price… 10 000 Gil.

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Eiko: I can't afford that! I'm just a little kid! 

****

Four-Armed Man: That's true. Tell you what. I'll make you a deal and cut the price in half, only 5 000 Gil.

****

Eiko: Hmm… Well, okay. (pays 5 000 Gil) Thanks Mr. Chocobo Man. Let's go Vivi!

(Eiko and Vivi leave shop)

****

Four-Armed Man: [Hahahaha! I did it again! I'm such a genius! It's a counterfeit copy I wrote myself. I'm surprised it hasn't sold more copies… Ah! Can't breathe! Not enough oxygen! Damn, these imitation masks!] (falls to ground)

* * *

[lesson area]

(Zidane, Dagger, and Beatrix are staring at Steiner who is staring at the wall]

****

Dagger: He's been like this for hours. Shouldn't we tell him it's time to go?

****

Zidane: Nah, it's fun to watch him stand there like a zombie.

[Zidane, Dagger, and Beatrix leave]

****

Steiner: [I'm strong. I'm incredibly good-looking. And I make a mean Gyshal-Pickle Pie! Yes, any woman would be delighted to be in my company. Now, to talk to Beatrix!] (turns around) Beatrix, may I have a word with you? ??? Hey, where is she? Where did everybody go? 

[Any comments? Please review ^^] 


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